i wanna get out of here....
and i cant wait for the next 120hours to be over.
i wanna be in kukup.
far far away from here. [ok tts the farthest i can get for now]

i took a long nice hot walk in ecp today after a good few hours of mahjong at jt's house. havent been there since the Alevels results, the place still feels the same. i walked for very far, covering all the places that were once so familiar. there are a lot of memories that i have of the place, some sweet ones, some bittersweet ones. i sat down and remembered as much as i could about the past half a year, i think its been amazing how time flies. how much ive grown and changed. but some memories are beginning to fade away with time.

and it worries me sometimes. i often wonder how much exactly can we remember. because there are so many many things that happened in my dailly life that i wanna remember, but i fear so much about losing them to nothingness.

time really flies too, like really really fast. in fact ithink its moving faster than the times when we were studying. at least last year we valued the weeks we had, becasue we could have deadlines, like to complete 5 chapter of maths this week. for now, time seems to have lost its measure. weeks just fly by like nothing, ns people go for 3 weeks confinement and come out stronger, or just enlist and book in for 2 weeks. worst if u are working, how to measure time? other than the amount of money you earn...? or the number of documents you finish processing?

i'm scared. there's been a back ache that has been stuck with me for the past few weeks, its been on and off. when its there is hurts so much i can barely stand straight. at first i thought it was becuase i strained my back playing badminton so i took a break and havent played for the past 2 weeks but its still there. and something else that is suppose to stop hasnt stopped. i know i should head to a doctor but i just havent. i keep setting a deadline to visit the doctor, hoping that i will feel better by then. sigh, but i know that the lsat thing that i should allow to get to me is fear itself. ok! i will go visit the doct when im back from kukup.

how do you deal with life if you know that in 2 months time u will be passing on? which is one questin that i have repeatedly asked myself, ever since i completed the book For One More Day by Mitch Albon and A Lesson Before Dying by Earnest J Gaines. Will you live your last days like the way you are living your life now?

Honestly, i am very afraid of dying, so fearful of it that sometimes i lay in bed not daring to shut my eyes wondering if that will be the last time i close them. I have many dreams that i have no accomplished, i havent made my own family, i havent bought and moved into a place called home. i havent met that someone of my life i havent gotten married and i havent done so many many things. and there are things that i havent told someone, and there are places i havent been to. and it is scary to think that i might never even get to fulfill these dreams.

And i wonder, at my funeral will there be anybody? Will there be people who are upset by my departure and are there to share about how i have touched their lives? Or will it be a cold and lonely event, and people wont even care?

so much to think about, but ultimately i know that there is nothing we can do to stop this. so for now, i will still live by what ive always lived by. just spend each day meaningfully, have fun, work hard and play harder. say the things u wanna say, do the things u wanna do. so long as each night as u lay to go to sleep, there are no regrets, no ill feelings, i think thats a life well spent. :)