i feel damm screwed.

the past 2 nights i barely slept, i think i din sleep the whole of last night at all. in my mind i kept thinking about the future. about the days when august or september begins.

there has been this big question to stay in singapore or to go to the uk.
and actualy a big big part of me wanted to go. ok the biggest hurdle would be the finances, but knowing me, if i REALLY wanted to go i would find the money somehow.

i think i had cold feet lastnight. here are some of my inner thoughts.

i dont even know what the uk ppl wear. what do i pack along in my luggage when i go there? my usual favourite shorts and t shirt? i will probably freeze to death. my high heels? do the ppl there like heels? and i will need to have like scarfs and beanies and jackets and raincoats? and an umbrella is supposed to be my best ancessory?!??!!??! i hate carrying umbrellas! how do i survive?? and i probably cant wear slippers as often as in here?

ok that was purely a bimbo moment. but i do have other concerns!

like there wont be people whom are just a phone call away, when i wanna have dessert at 85. when i need company for dinner at bedok interchange. when i wanna go swimming and need some company. when i need immediate advice on what colour top to buy or whether i should take up a job. when i have nothing to do on a sat afternoon and yet i wanna go out.

and i wont know who to play badminton or tennis with. ok there will probably be forums there but i wont know how 2 book courts, neither will i have the discount card like the passion card. and wth badminton courts in the uk is about 21sing dollars an hr. like WTF. badminton wun be a cheap game anymroe la. i probably need to think twice or thrice before going for a game.

and the culture is really different. im not so sure if i will really love the freedom i have. im not sure if i wun get sick of clubbing so much. and what if i go stray? like pick up smoking?! or even taking drugs and indulging in one night stands? what if i lose myself there...?

and there wun be home cooked food. no more servicing by the daddy and mommy. if i wanna eat something home cooked i probably need to cook it myself, and do the washing up. and even on days when i really dun feel like doing the washing, there is no one for me to hong and beg them to do it for me.

and there wun be the litlitrexin desserts, or the ba chor mee, or the sambal stingray or the many many nice food in singapore.

and what if i come back 3 yrs later, and i dun have any friends here anymore?

honestly, i wonder if i really wanna go.
i just feel so screwed.

and ntu double deg rejected me. but i got interviews for both ntu n smu's business school. and deep down i know im not damm keen on them, so i wonder how im gonna carry myself thru the interview convincing them to accept me into the course when im not half convinced myself.

the only joy is that sat is the kukup trip.
i think thats the only thhing thats keeping me alive for now.