i wanna get out of here....
and i cant wait for the next 120hours to be over.
i wanna be in kukup.
far far away from here. [ok tts the farthest i can get for now]

i took a long nice hot walk in ecp today after a good few hours of mahjong at jt's house. havent been there since the Alevels results, the place still feels the same. i walked for very far, covering all the places that were once so familiar. there are a lot of memories that i have of the place, some sweet ones, some bittersweet ones. i sat down and remembered as much as i could about the past half a year, i think its been amazing how time flies. how much ive grown and changed. but some memories are beginning to fade away with time.

and it worries me sometimes. i often wonder how much exactly can we remember. because there are so many many things that happened in my dailly life that i wanna remember, but i fear so much about losing them to nothingness.

time really flies too, like really really fast. in fact ithink its moving faster than the times when we were studying. at least last year we valued the weeks we had, becasue we could have deadlines, like to complete 5 chapter of maths this week. for now, time seems to have lost its measure. weeks just fly by like nothing, ns people go for 3 weeks confinement and come out stronger, or just enlist and book in for 2 weeks. worst if u are working, how to measure time? other than the amount of money you earn...? or the number of documents you finish processing?

i'm scared. there's been a back ache that has been stuck with me for the past few weeks, its been on and off. when its there is hurts so much i can barely stand straight. at first i thought it was becuase i strained my back playing badminton so i took a break and havent played for the past 2 weeks but its still there. and something else that is suppose to stop hasnt stopped. i know i should head to a doctor but i just havent. i keep setting a deadline to visit the doctor, hoping that i will feel better by then. sigh, but i know that the lsat thing that i should allow to get to me is fear itself. ok! i will go visit the doct when im back from kukup.

how do you deal with life if you know that in 2 months time u will be passing on? which is one questin that i have repeatedly asked myself, ever since i completed the book For One More Day by Mitch Albon and A Lesson Before Dying by Earnest J Gaines. Will you live your last days like the way you are living your life now?

Honestly, i am very afraid of dying, so fearful of it that sometimes i lay in bed not daring to shut my eyes wondering if that will be the last time i close them. I have many dreams that i have no accomplished, i havent made my own family, i havent bought and moved into a place called home. i havent met that someone of my life i havent gotten married and i havent done so many many things. and there are things that i havent told someone, and there are places i havent been to. and it is scary to think that i might never even get to fulfill these dreams.

And i wonder, at my funeral will there be anybody? Will there be people who are upset by my departure and are there to share about how i have touched their lives? Or will it be a cold and lonely event, and people wont even care?

so much to think about, but ultimately i know that there is nothing we can do to stop this. so for now, i will still live by what ive always lived by. just spend each day meaningfully, have fun, work hard and play harder. say the things u wanna say, do the things u wanna do. so long as each night as u lay to go to sleep, there are no regrets, no ill feelings, i think thats a life well spent. :)

post a levels :)

been 5 days since the papers ended! haha. and i spend the past 4 nights sleeping outside. finally im home, nice n comfy in bed =)

lets see.. 20th. right after the paper tt day i got my manicure, french one and played 3 hrs of shiok badminton :)


21st. a very very special day :) cos it marks the first day of freedom! and it was also the start of the class chalet. tt day we chilled in the chalet and bridged quite a bit. midnight was fun! ming hong tf and i pooled at the pool place and we walked to a nearby coffee shop to watch soccer. and we also walked like around pasir ris tt area for a long long time. its quite cool u noe. tt place has like a diff time zone, there were 2 adjacent coffee shop open at 2am and a fruit stall! like who will buy foods at 2am? and its quite funny cos we were doing really mad stuff, like using the elderly playground and the boys were pretending to be batting with some melons n veg. and so we watched soccer. hahahah croatia won! weee heeee :D

22nd. we went to tfs hse to take the bbq stuff, and shun bian slept at the clubhse. i was serriously uber tired so i knocked out immediatel in the pool room while ming and hong played by themselves. yea u read correctly ming played pool! haha change is the only constant huh. :)
and we all slept for quite some time b4 getting to buying the bbq food. seriousl smth damm funny happened on the way la. cant believe im tt silly. stupid bus 10. the bbq was alright, but kind of a hassle cos it started raining. but i think its thru such simple n smal activities tt acy reveal alot abt ppl and their character. having said tt, oh wells. tt night we bought alchohol from cheers. super ex man. so ming won her 4 boottles la. so i paid up. and we bought a few bottles tgt with wl ah nik ming and me we drank at the beach. quite fun, and tt night tf n i went to the beach for a walk n sat down to just chill. but it was really funny though cos there were many people walking n cycling by so it was kind of noisy. haha. den we went back to the chalet n squueeze next to jenny wenxuan ming and hong to sleep.

the 23rd was just spend packing up. cleaning the place n the mess and bk breakfast with the class. ok not the whole class ate bk la, half of us ate macs but we ate at bk. den ming hong tf n i watched enchanted. haha i tell u its hilarious man, exp the beginning of the show. where it was so ridiculouos n lame tt i couldnt stop laughing at ah reaction. hahaha. but seriously can u believe tt 2 big guys went to watch enchanted? lol. aft tt i came home to get some fresh change of clothes n met jc n chor at bugis to shop for mk n jt bday presents, which was accomplished very quickly. hehe cos got me! ;) and aft tt tf joined us and we went to marina bay to eat steamboat! haha ok i kinda coerced them to go but hey guys it was fun right! but seriously tt place had so much meat it kind of stinks. but at least they had stingray n better prawns den seoul garden. and their soup was nicer but there wasnt air con. but it was fun cos i had peeled prawns n cooked food presented to me, minus the fact tt some silly person injured himself when cutting crab. den the 4 of us went to watch a late night movie, at tampinese again! ok we din go back to tm, but we went cs n watch fred claus. i tell u fred claus is seriously super super nice i think everyone shld go watch it! its a nice christmasy show with the morals and love but its not right smack in ur face but it comes with a nice twist. so go catch it! really! :D and then chor n jc went off, or they walked to chor se while i suggested tt tf n i walk to simpang. haha ok obviously we din make it, got lost halfway at some tamp simei area so we cabbed to the airport. it was nice to chill at the viewing gallery but i was far too tired to even talk, cos i was tring to tell tf smth but my words were like blah n my eyes were shutting down. so i fell asleep.
24th cabbed to the club house to catch some sleep. was really so freaking tired tt i slept on n off so many times. finally woke up at 11 plus n got a good imba meal at the caffebar. finally i got to eat there man, those nice creamy pasta! then we went back to the condo to bath n headed to pp agan to buy some food stuff for jt hse stayover. met joanna and i was late again as usual, but im glad tt her hate for vs boys is not a universal thing. heh. when we got there at tats hse we were alr so so late tt all the guys were there n started alr. acty it was really fun, everyone of the guys turned up. chor mk leo jt qh jc boon james and eric. plus cheryl shuyu and joanna. plus tf n me. so many ppl! anyway, happy happy birthday joontat and munkay! :D i had a hell lot of fun just playing bridge card games n having lots of alcohol. was kinda drunk tt night but i din do any silly things. :) but it was a hell lot of fun la, thanks guys for making it possible and for being so understanding. everything would have been perfect without someone there to make a fool of himself. really. tt night i also had a really gd sleep, thanks to tat who gave us a room to our own. really cool man the bed frame. wahaha.

25h was spend cleaning the place up n fulin breakfast/lunch. den headed to borders at pp where i learn a few recipes which i dun mind trying sometime soon! heh.

hell those were such fun fun fun days. sigh i miss those times man. and my big bolster..... oh well nvm bring on the chill times! heh. :)

im still going strong..

okay so its 4 papers down.
bye bye to
physics p3 [tt one i totally died],
gp[for good, adios]
and math p1[which was okaay:)].

yes!!! i survived one week. 3 more weeks.
16 more days before its all over.
actually it isnt that hard a time to pass. honestly im not stressed up to my neck or anything. maybe cos i felt so much worst during the O's. maybe cos ive been anticipating for this period to come for a long time cos everyone around me has scared me like mad about the big bad A's. or maybe.... :).




been thinking alot abt what to do after the big A's. minus those
million gazillion plans to chill n shop n eat n go crazy, i thought about those personal stuff.
like, what's next? where to?
i mean, life cant possibly just be all play n fun n laughter already. in less than 2 months im gonna be 19. 19, the last year of my teen. and probably the most time i'll have at hand for me to really enjoy my teen.

im definitely gonna find a job next yr, cant rot my 8 months away right? but i wonder... what will i be workin as? something i really wanna do, or soemthing just to earn the bucks? in fact the same applies for the future course of study, am i gonna choose what i want to do or choose something i dun mind doing cos it pays well. i think ive seen how real life can be, maybe im growing up, because suddenly the prospect of nt going all out for that number one passion but settle for something else cos it pays isnt that impossible now.

sigh, once again life crossroads. where i gotta make a choice. where i gotta decide.
never really much liking to make big life changing decisions. but i guess this is an inevitable part of life huh, i just gotta do whats the wisest thing to do.
but for now, at least the next 3 weeks, its still the big a levels.
all the best my friends.
keep believing! heads up n flap yur wings, u never know how high u can fly until u truly try!

and here it all begins.

so the last week of pre a-level days is gone just like that. ive studied my best, gave my all. it all begins tml, this is really been a roller coaster ride, the past 2 yrs we have been moving slowly up the slope. now we are right at the top. tmr, it will go WOOOSH and down we will go. so fast 3 weeks will fly by. and den we will party n party n party.. =)

to my dear dear frens, [acty u shldnt be reading this, haha!] stay calm n focused. we have prepared n mugged so much, just make sure all the mugging counts! do your best so that come next yr, we will be receiving our results with big smiles on our faces.

the past few days has really been quite an emotional coaster ride too, thank you for the ones who stayed by me and held me close. i really am lucky. and i'll cherish everything.

how odd, today i saw something that was so so familiar 2 years ago. haha. but i was glad, quite amused actually. cos i merely saw an image of myself, 2 yrs ago. time doesnt change everything does it? =p

small me, big world

i feel like this the whole day. small and tiny. quite amazing how much im letting these things affect me, maybe im not as brave as i thought. nor as confident as i thought i was. nor as sure of myself. that faith i had in myself just disappeared like a bubble bursting. maybe im just more silly than i actually think i am. caroline caroline, maybe its time to stop being a little girl. behave like a lady and join mingjennhua.

anyway on another note, lionel got a new comp.

like ok lor. a bigger n nicer comp lor. and he even upgraded his modem to get a wireless thingy so he can now tap on my wireless for my laptop lor. and he even paid extra for a nice soundwolfer[sp?] thingy so now his music play can play loud loud lor. and still sound like home theatre lor. and his room still got tv n two beds lor. and hes only 14 and also din do well in school lor. :(

ok i sound like such a whiny little kid. i pray darn hard he wun read the above para. haha.

but its kind of cool cos we are like talking over msn. like even though i can just shout out n he can hear me. we can play yahoo pool la! so cool right. HEHE. and i think im gonna camp in his room and watch like alot alot alot alot alot of shows when the as are over. hehehhehehehehe.

jiayou ppl! last week before it all begins...

can u smell it?

wow. 11 days. so close i can smell the A's.

so far.. so good. still in control. still eating and still sleeping. stress level under control too. but just 2 days ago i was thinking about what im gonna do when the A;s end. like on tt day. what do i do? the next day? the day after next? sigh, thats giving me a big heachache man. but studying has indeed drove people to do werid things smtimes. like me writing my name in pink glue on the table. and mingg being darn good at regression to come upwith such an interesting correlation.

acty i was jus thinking abt what im gonna do in life. when im really done with the A's kinda cool huh. cos after the A's, everythings kind of free n easy. no more structure n regidity, its all gonna be for me to decide. for me to take my time. to go for what i really want.

somewhere along this yr [or last yr?] i gave up the thought of teaching as a teacher. my long time childhood dream. somehow there was just this part of me that feels that i cant do that for my whole life, there is this dying curiousity n anviety to be part of the big bad corporate world that the adults have always been talking about.

then yesterday i realised, does this mean that the math n physics that ive been doing for the past many many years, these 2 subjects that i love are gonna become barely existent anymore. somehow the thought is quite a sad one. [ok dun whack me, u are free to disagree].

quite interesting huh. we are all growing up.the boys are all enlisting soon! time to make decisions about our lives. soon theres gonna be many more big decicions to come man. are we ready for these? :D

guess even if we arent, we just gotta take the ride. cos time isnt gonna wait for us to be.

Are you ready for the time of life? Its time to stand up and fight.

-"caravan of love"

Born to Try

by delta goodrem

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try

No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

try my dear friends. try your very best!
todays farewell assembly. lotsa things i wanna say, will do so when the photos are ready.

for now, happy weekends!

prelims, down.

the prelims are over!!


heh acty it was pretty fast n painless, now tt i think back... life has been awesome the past 3 days, lemme tell u what i did since the papers ended. :)





class cycling
happy hour pool
parkway dinner
fun at tats hse with psp soccer n beads
long long sleep
badminton
soyabean ice cream at qh hse
katong pool
pizza hut
movie, the secret
sleep
swensEns ice cream and mussels [IMBA!]
gossiping
arcade
the caffe bar lunch/teabreak?
shopping at parkway
sleep
mooncake delivering
sleep





ok basically all i did was played n eat n played n sleep n yea u get the picture.and spend lots of cash. hahaha. acty its quite tiring man, i feel quite worn out still. but i think if i cont doing this for a month i will be really sick of all these fun man. heres some photos to do the talking. :)

06s48 :)

honey, does the box above look vaguely familiar?
i think u are gonna kill me for eating it without u...
leonard and baboonsin
boon u owe us chngtng dun u dare forget.
joanna!
jo and steamking
SIEW MAI!
hahah inverted siewmai acty.

okay acty theres more ppl like shuyu n chormiang n qinghong n juechen but they din take any photos with me :( SEE la i wanted a grp photo right. argh.

im trying to keep my cool, to contain my frustrations. i am still going to stand by my word to not complain about these small matters again, but somehow i feel my patience running thin. im trying my best to put myself into other peoples shoes n try to think about how they think, and im really making the effort to maintain a balance between everything i hold dear. but it seems like everything i do doesnt bring any results, n i think thats really sad. because now im beginning to doubt that its actually really my fault, but rather your own actions n words tt are pulling us further apart.

times like these, i feel like doing what daniel does best,
scream the f word in tt agonising voice. hahaha, no im joking.
i'll hang on and try to overcome these odds, i need to get it done somehow.

happy weekends:)

the holidays begins

YIPPEE!! its the sept holidays. heh :)

i spent 130 bucks in the past 8 days! omg. so time to start saving. heh. so im gonna save really hard this 4 days to come. im nt gonna spend more den 15 bucks! =)
please do nt ask me out to eat this week thank you very much.

today we had this 4hr gp tuition thing, which was surprisingly enjoyable. minus the fact tt i badly wanted to pee like twice n it was really cold n irritating cos the fan was like in my direction.but i enjoyed it probably cos she went thru 2 esssays in detail, about family and the old VS the young. which are like MY topics. haha.
i think we all have different types of topics tt we like, like those tt goes with our character n knowledge scope. topics tt we prefer writing over the otheres. n its quite cool cos sometimes when i get a gp paper i can think abt what questions my friends are gonna be writing about.

but todays lessons was also interesting cos she talked about the career a woman should have, especially for women who wants children and a family of their own. suddenly the things she said made me realise how impactful a marriage can be, and that it really involves more than just the 2 people who are in love. on top of that she always factored in the upbringing of children from a ladies perspective, which made me realise tt my wish of wanting 4 children is really nt merely abt giving birth to 4 kids but like a lifelong thing, tt would be affected by even the choice of career i take, which is ultimately dependant on my course of study tt i choose next yr. talk about life changing decision, ah hah.

and then she talked about the lives tt people lead, how 2 of her ex studs are getting wedded next yr while another girl met with some really rough shit of life. suddenly i thought about my life in the next 5 years or so. really, who knows whats gonna happen man. maybe sometime next yr when i get too bored with the free time tt i start erm.... taking drugs? or maybe something totally unexpected happens which causes me to make a life changing decision like not go to uni n just go to work straight away? oh well, guess its all life. we can never know what the ppl up there are gonna throw us next, can we?

such an eventful day. but i wished it din rain so much though. dear heavens and clouds, please do not rain during the day cos it really induces sleep while im trying to study and it brings HUGE inconveniences when im travelling around. please though. Rain super hard at night when im sleeping so u make my sleep sweeter :) but if u are gonna take this piece of advice, den can u grant me more of such wishes? hehe.

and i started this post a levels to do list at the left hand column of my blog. at least i have things to look forward to doing. feel free to give suggestions!

rid of my eye bags and i'll treat u lunch!

sigh. if i got one scoop of icecream from everyone who commented on my eye bags this wweek i'll probably have exploded due to too much fat. haha. arghh... is it really tt bad?! i do sleep enough la. really!!! but even my tutee told me just now, she was like " wah u look very stressed leh. eye bags all come out liao." so.. as my title goes..

this week has been one crazy week, school was actually quite not like school cos we go to school to take attendance and then stay in the lib to study. haha. but reality hit me a few times. a few thoughts were really scary. i came 16 months ago with nothing, and i really pondered on what i will be leaving with? maybe a decent A level cert to get myself to the uni, maybe a handful [ 3? haha!] of friends whom i can count on - like call up at 4am in the morning if i need them to listen to me ]. oh yar, definitely independence. other than that, i really cant think of wad else. which would be really sad. but then again, maybe theres much more that ive gained tt i havent realise, come may take the long term to appear.

but of cos, despite all
the down parts of this week [like theeconsre n thetiringnights n selfstudysessions n theannoyinggplesson n thezibiblues n thesorangeconslecture n themissingwalletepisode n thetimesmykneecapseemstobefailingme n thedaywhichigaveuprunningandwalkedashortdistance n thereallyreallysleepinducingchemlesson],
there were the good things [like thechillingsessionoftruthordare n thekfcmeal n theafternoonicecreamretreat n thenicemotivatingsmses n phonecallsfromfriendswhoivebeentoobusytocatchupwith n theindianrojakandthepattayarice n thecornettos n theshilinoystermeesua].
i can only say
the bad things happen, to make the good ones gooder :)

i think the imprending exams have made some people really scary, to the extent that i dun even dare talk to you sometimes. i feel like im losing you. please come back, dun let the stress take the joy we used to share, dun forget the many more things in life tt we hold dear.. i wish i was brave enough to tell this straightly to you, but somehow knowing you so well has given me the gut feeling tt u wont absorb what i say on the spot, but hopefully this would trigger smth in you :)

ahem..
rivers know this, there is no hurry.
we shall get there someday :)
-winniethepooh quotes.

happy weekends!
its 2 days away from the prelimmms!

raining in my run. running in the rain.

those who say the least,

listens the most.

DTA

Lesson learnt:

dont trust anyone.

Argh. each time something like this happens i'll say something like this, but forget it in a few days cos i feel tat everyone deserves second chances. No no no. Never again. Don expect me to trust again cos i'm not taking any chances anymore.


Now, e million dollar question i have at hand is.....
How do i continue loving you as a friend?

its 31st july. jc life seems to be ending really really soon, just as im beginning to feel slightly at home in school, just when i slowlybegin to look forward to school. well theres still about 3 months plus to go, i gotta make the best out of this.

today has been a really significant day, cos ming n my routine jog to ecp turned out really differently. ok la, admittedy we slacked n walked for almost half the distance we usually run, talking about issues and stuff. and we climbed on a breakwater and really thought about the things we want, the priorities we have. to me, it was like moments of connect 2, with more fun elements n distractions like watching small crabs climbing up the breakwater. i havent had such intellectual conversations with anyone for such a long time, it was a good wake up call. i screamt many wants and wishes, and i'll try my best to work for all of them. :) u too dearie, im sure u will find your happiness upon finishing those things u set out to do!

if you really know me well enough, i dont really get angry at people easily. and i dun like to remember these negative things cos i believe that its really tiring to hate someone. thats why im learning to love people universally! :) but today i got so freaking pissed by a fellow schoolmate. like seriously pissed. okay actually im over it now, but my blood was boiling this afternoon. i never knew that people could be so crude and uneducated in their actions, seriously, i think bitch is the only one word i have for her. ARGH!!!

things seem to be accelerating, and i wonder if its too fast. at least we are much closer than before, at least i can talk to you properly now. but im afraid that i'll get addicted to this routine of being so close to someone again. and fearful that im not ready for these all. in fact, im not even sure if you're in this together with me.

today i learnt one thing.

cos i went for tuition today n was really tired before class started cos i laughed so hard at hua in the toilet. so i lied down n was REALLY quiet. [so not me] then, this group of girls came in and the talked n laughed, like how I normally do in class. and i was so irritatably amused, amusingly irritated cos it was noisy la. so i asked tf if tts how the charbos are in class, and he said yes. more for ming n i. HAHA. okayy right in my face. sorry dear s48, i din noe i was THAT noisy. i promise to shut up in class, im learning to :)

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

something that really makes me smile despite how tired i feel.

get 10 people. and this is how hard it is to take a decent photo using

self timer and balancing that camera on bags n books.

of cos as true blue Temasekians, our resilence paid off.

TADAH! one nice shot :)

something from within

today i finally feel like writing about something ive kept within me for a long time. many a times i have the urge to pen this down but i often feared tt i cant find the right words to use, and im afriad the tone of this whole thing will come out wrong. but im gonna give it a try anyway, its been properly reflected during my time away in cambodia. i think such things are like goals, they should be written down n shared with all, so that it becomes more than something within, but becomes a goal tt the people around me can help me achieve too =)

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a
kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia

i should be nice to all the people around me,
because i know how good it feels when people are nice to me. and i want to let them enjoy that feeling of goodness.

i should not to judge the people around me. i try to tolerate and bear with the shit i get, and befriend the owner of all the crap n try to help them change.
because i know how sucky it feels to be outcasted. because i know how it feels to have people talking bad about you behind your back. because i once felt friendless and alone. i rmb the days in p school when classmates din like me cos i was boastful and trust me, these things are obvious and i hated the feeling i got. and i dun wan someone else to feel that way.
becuase i know tt we human beings arent perfect. come on, even me myself have many flaws. i have a bad record of time, so ive rarely been punctual when meeting up with friends. i talk too much alot of times and probably irritate the shit out of some of my frens. i can be rather self centered, espeically on days when im down n i just wish the world would revolve around me. and its probably going to be a long list to come. but hey! everyones not perfect. i must learn to love the people around me for who they are, love them for their shortcomings and i think i would be able to build better bonds with them.

i should try my best to curb my anger. to refrain from losing my temper. this is why i tend to take things lightly, or as the guys would put it, tt " i will only get angry for 30s".
becasue i know that i am darn good at saying the wrong things when im angry, and doing rash things tt i am bound to regret when i cool down later. this is why i want to practise keeping cool and controlling my temper. i rmb reading from somewhere b4, " never return an angry word with another angry word. it is usually the second word tt causes the trouble."

i should remind myself to be honest, to say the truth.
because its tiring to have to constatnly remember to cover all the loopholes tt will destroy ur lie, and its even more tiring to have to keep telling more lies to cover up for the first one.
because i have lost the trust of close friends before. and trust isnt an invisible thing, once its broken u can feel it right smack in your face tt things are different immediately.

i should try to be there for my friends, especially make time for those who were once close but have sort of drifted away from. try to give them a listening ear when they need one. and make the effort, arrange n organise my time so tt i have the occassion catching up sessions with all of them.
because there were times when i was fallen n failed, been down in the dumps when i din noe who to turn to, when i din noe who would be willing to listen. and that loneliness would only make things worst. so i shld try hard to be there for my friends.


i should try to be more sensitive to the people around me.
becasue we tend to focus so much on ourselves, on having fun, of getting the best out of things tt we neglect how the people aorund us would feel. this is probably one of my weakest pts cos i always get super high easily, so the next time i do something really insensitive just tell me straight in the face thank you.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by
midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can
muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be
the same again. ~Og Mandino

our nice cambodian shirt. =) my new badminton wear! haha.

Balloon making day, i made him his balloon sculptures! =D

look at the many many colours.

our balloon mascot! yuan song

janice and i - this is like during day 6

the 2 crazy companions tt i had in the backseat of the bus with e faulty air con.
We ARE THE champions!!!!!

when we were stuck in the lift in the hotel, the lift doors couldnt open. i laughed till my stomach ached, and then wanted to take a photo!

hello everybody im bacccck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D ok this is gonna be a long long looong update. cos i have had a crazy time n i wanna write everything down so i will never ever get to fortget abt e whole trip. =)

day one
had to wake up like super early, 5 plus to get to the airport. my maid sent me off. :) i met janice at the airport n we were both higgh and happy and super excited about the trip. we're going there to be facilitators - basically we're smth like the teachers assistants. and also the connection between the teachers n e students during the trip. and we took a photo before we boarded the plane. i dun have any photos with me now, will update them all when i get hold of them. but 3 words to decribe the state the both of us were in is, clean excited and lookinggood.

during the plane ride - there were just the 2 of us so we talked alot. about our lives and about the trip and about so so so many things. it was really quite nostagic to arrive in the phnoh penh airport - considering that i went there just 6 months ago, with another group of people. and then there were 2 students from the university to pick up, n he held placards! to welcome janice n caroline from temasek secondary school. SO COOL right. first time i got received in an airport with my name la. wow wow wow. =)

then e driver drove for like a good 3 hours to the site where the students were working. at the village of the hiv ppl, the john paul 2 life center. we had a fast lunch, rice with this sour soup thing. which was beef so i jsut drank the soup with rice. and joined the kids in their work.

there were 3 things going on there. 1stly, we had to teach the children living in the village. 2ndly to help build the kitchen, which was an extension of the school they were building for the kids. and lastly we had to help them clear the tall weeds in the mulberry plantation and dig like rows for them to grow more mulberry plants. the plants were used to bred silworms, which were den boiled when they are in their caccoon[sp?] stage to get silk, which was then used to make into silk cloth to be sold.

i helped out at the constructionsite, so we were kinda divided into 6 smaller groups and armed with changkols [hoes], we had to dig 6 rectangular holes. deep holes. for the foundation poles. it was tiring and it was a burning experience man. but the kids were impressive. though they din really know each otehr v well, they kept cheering each other to dig deep, dig faster. and i saw tt it helped. cos none of us gave up despite how our arms and backs were aching. but i think sam is right too, it would have been better if we had all put in the effort to oerfect the rectangular hole- rather den just leaving it as it is when we finally reached the size requirement n let the cambodians help us get the shape tt was needed. it was all about tt going the extra mile.

tat evening dinner was at the kccc[kamput catholic children center]. the kids had put up a show, a fashion parade show showing our cultural n ethnic costumes. and the cambodians wore their wedding costume. so many n so nice!!! it was a really interesting time. and dinner was a mixeed thing, each table sat a few sgaporeans n the cambodian ppl. i had a good time. the ppl were really interested in singapore stuff n the teacher whom i was sitting next to asked me alot. like in one seating, i was tlaking about singapore weddings to racial peace to festivals to deaths to funerals and dead body decomposigin. haha. he even asked if im going to get married soon! super nice nnight. tt night i slept with janice sharing a twin bunk. we were given a bed each but i was so afriad of the top deck cos it was too close the roof so i slept in at the bottom with her. quite cool eh. sleeping with someone i din noe very well, n in a foreign land. but i was so worn out i felt alseep v quickly and slept like a log!

debref main pt: to encourage the kids to do things with a smile the next day.

day 2
woke up n traveled to e life center n start work. i was at the mulberry famrs again n tt was a full day of work. i got so tired but high, so i kept shouting to the kids who were also working there tt e changkor was their spoon, the soil their ben n jerry cookie n cream ice cream and they were to digggg as much ice cream as they can! haha! i think those kids must really think im crazy now. n it was so frustrating! everyone was applying sun block like ts free but they got really burnt. and i was applying so much sun tan lotion but my skin was like still so fair. haiz.

tt night was a really special night cos it was ms lim's birthday the next day, so we wanted to surprise her when the clock striked 12! haha. but we were trying to think about how 2 end thngs early so e kids can sleep earlycos its gonan be a long day again the net day. n smart mr toh came up the plan to celebrate it sg time. cos sg is one hr ahead of cambodian time. so we had it at 11 cambodian time. with janice going down to miss lims bunk to tell her tt a student was shivering in cold, really csick. haha, n when they came to our bunks n we started singing happy bday she was so shocked!! n we made her wear shrek ears n gave her a gigantic card tt all wrote on. so sweet right!!

debrief pt : to do things with love the next day.

day 3
it was just another hard day at work. the lunches n dinners were always my favourite sessions cos the time was spend with the kids, especially the boys talking alot of rubbish. hah. now we got so many inside joke like surrendering somthing and the 3 holes thing. n many many many many more jokes n stuff about life tt we talk about.

tt night was farewell with the high school students. it was fun- dancing n playing games n getting so high. they look like they are at some clubs - minus the alcohol only. haha. tt night i hear mingfong talk abt his frens. the way to hear a student talk about his frens was special n different. and he made me realise how special tt group of people was. how unique and mature they were. n im really glad to have juniors like this. so so proud of them. :)

janice felt sick tt night. high fever of like 38.5 deg. walau i was so scared, thank god for miss lim. she gave her like 6 prunes. while i fed her with alot of water n panadol. she receovered the net day, thankfully. during this trip i was like partial medic la, taking temperature n giving ppl cream n oilment n especially tiget balm. lol. to the exntent of getting tiger blam overdose when i used too much of it.

tt night we moved to sleep at the high school. so it was a change of sleeping enviroment. this time i shared the teachers room with janice n miss lim. haha. the bed was a queen bed so i offered to sleep on the ground, after all n im the youngest there n i dun really wanna sleep with miss lim on the same bed. sharing e same room with the home ec teahcer whom i got into alot of toruble with in sec 1 was scary enuff. bt tt night i was realli kiasu n i wore socks n covered as much skin as possible, cos e kids said tt there were like millions of bugs there n it was bad enuff tt i slept without mosquito net. haha but i survived.

debrief pt : to do things with the big pcture in mind the next day

day 4
it was the last day of work at phnoh voah. today i helped with the construction. basically there were like some really heavy stones / rocks/ boulders at an area like 10 meters from the building area so we had to carry them over. so the big picture i painted for them was tt we were moving mountains! haha. yuansong was really strong man. he like carried so many super duper heavy rocks. n he kept pushing his limits. den they had a human chain to carry the smaller rocks, den i brought a bottle of water n walked down the line to fed them water otherwise we'll probably dehydrate in the hot sun man. but im proud of these ppl for not giving up!

ater tt we brought the kids n the village ppl to the beach. it was seriously jsut a stretch of sand. but it made me miss ecp alot. e smell of the sea n the sandy beach. i wanna go ecp man. n miss lim warned the guys v strictly the night b4 not to touch the water, im glad everyone resisted the temptations really well. haha.

that evening we had a closing ceremony at the village itself. we performed for the ppl and they sang songs for us. it was a bitter sweet thing. the villagers have seem to have really enjoyed our company, and we have influenced them in a large way i guess. they even called mr toh a doctor for bandaging their wounds, n called our students teacehrs during the lessons. they fed us well with the little they could afford, and were such great help in showing us what needed to be done. in return, we brought hope to these ppl again. ppl whosefamily n frens have abandoned them. ppl who have proobably lose hope in the world. i really hope tt our presence during tt few shorrt days have given them enuff motivation n encouragement tt hope is still around n that people do care. =)

day 5
finally e labourous part of the journey is over n donw with. we were left with the touring of the cambodia. we went to the killing fields n then to the tou sleng s21 museum, my 2nd time there. the most impactful scene was the 17 storey thing filled with countless skulls. there were so many. and some of the skulls showed evidence of how they were killed. skulls had cracked areas at the back , meaning tt they were hit with a hoe in the head. some had bad cracks all over, showing tt they were brutally hit on the head. the killing fields was very "original", not much was done to presevrve the place so there were clothings of the ppl who died there all over the flood, cos it was mass graves n the soil gets blow away sometimes. so we can see small pieces of bones when we walk. quite a scary experience. the images n the things we saw were still shocking even though ive seen them b4. its still unbelievable how cruel ppl can become, for the few greeds that we have. n the fact tt it was cambodians themselves attacking their fellow countryman, tt was the fact i ouldnt come to terms with.

tt night we checked into asia hotel. the same hotel tt we lived in when we went the previous time! haha, such coincidence man. it was heaven to feel aircon n see a nice clean toilet. haha. i finally shitted! and janice n i laid out all our smelly n wet clothes on the floor to dry, like some kiasu ppl like tt. i think miss lim must have tot we were v cute. haha. tt night debrief was good. alot of learning pts from the kids, especially when the question we posed to e studetns was if they would join the khmer rouge as a soldier, n help in the regime. more of the to kill or be killed question. n the insights they shared really showed tt they were thinking young adults.

day 6
we went to the rubbish dump early in the morning. the place was seriously huge n full of rotting rubbish n houseflies. the piles of rubbish were like mountains and you could see little children digging through it, it was heart wrenching. And the smell was so overwhelming we smelt it on the bus from miles away n some of the students puked. And there was dirty brown sludge all over the place, like mud or watery shit. stained our shoes badly. We left quickly cos it was quote pollutive n bad for our health n went to the place where the people we collected rubbish stayed. There we saw the little children playing and learning and we entertained them by twisting them balloons, performing for them the dance and song again. the sight og the children with the balloons was truly amazing cos they were so colourful n happy. after tt we left to check into the hotel to clean up.

shopping at the russian mkt n sorya market tt whole afternoon was HEAVEN. n i tell u e guys can shop. haha. they damm good at it n it was super fun shopping with them. especially tt yuan song. super funny, cos he is really a good boy so we v scare he will get cheated so we stuck close to him. but i saw how he stood up for himself when he was given beef by mistake n i think it shows how he has grown up. =)

tt night debrief was one of the longest i ever had. everyone was falling asleep at some pt of time, incuding myself. but it was good to hear the speeches tt was made, especially for sina, a guy who was v clsoe to the students n helped alot. i could see tt he was really proud of the teamsekians too!

tt night was a long long night cos sam n i had to write postcards for our grp ppl. i kept faling alseep n i wrote rubbish la, like about fishballs n dogs n cats. haha. thank god he was really understadning n nice.

day 7
it was flying home day! janice n i went to the central market after the students left the hotel. they were flying home earlier den us so we woke up in time to jsut wave bye bye. so sad, but i bought more stuff at the mkt n we cabbed to the airport. we took photos again! this time we were tired brown but still happy =) the plance ride i din eat, cos i slept for so long. haha. was seriously so tired i just knocked out.

when we came out, guess wad! cheryl ming yee n anghong came to fetch me!! so touching right!! i was seriously v touched by their presence. espcially ah, since ming said tt she din even had to convince him to go. haha. best fren eh. haha. n i felt so crazy i ran n hugged all of them, n first question for them was did they miss me! haha. so we went to macs to sit down n chit chat. must have been really weird for ming n ah cos later on, qh boon n jt came! these guys so sweet, i tot they were surely busy n totally did not expect to see them la. after tt it was only left with cheryl boon n jt n qh they pushed cheryl n i all over the airport racing around n crashing into walls n taking like a million photos. simply so much fun. thanks guys i love u loads =)

at close to 6 i met up with norman andrew n yuansong. haha. these were some students from the ocip trip. i was realy touched they came to eat dinner tgt man. n had alot of fun just chatting. omg i miss them so much!!!!!!!!! felt like a wild mad 15 yr old n i could do anything i wanted, without being judged. haha i wanna organise an outing to go out sooon soon soon!!!

ok im tired, this long entry took me hours n i feel like sleeping again. despite the fact tt i slept since 10pm on tues night till 7pm on wed.

but i would like to thank my frens around me who gave me their support encouragement n showed their love for me b4 the trip n even smsing me updates abt school n life when i was in cambodia. u guys probably wun noe how touching it is to receve msges from u ppl while i was there man. n for being the first faces i saw n first few bodies i hugged when i reached sg soil, thank you so so much. n i would also like to thank the 32 individuals, for being great ppl on the whole trip. i feel really proud of u guys n i hope we'll still be frens in contact! n the teachers n volunteers, mrtoh misslim mrwang sam n janice, for enduring all my nonsense n taking so much care of me. especially janice, the one who gave me so many learning pts throughtout the trip. of cos i would also wanna thank mrjaredoh, for asking me to go for the trip n stuff. i really miss this man man, gotta book him someday for a meal! n of cos my parents for giving the consent n moral suport when i wanted to go, especially my dad for not stopping me even though he knew the risks of the trip, cos he knows me too well.

ok im off to bed!
happy holidays my dear friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am finally Home!

Team Temasek 2007
Phnoh Voah
22nd may - 29thmay

a journey filled with sweat tears happiness laughter and tiredness.
shall catch up on sleep n talk mroe abt it tmr :)

term 2 week 8

photos! some of the very many taken with my darling shuyu joanna shermaine n meiling. thanks girls for my bday surprise. miss u ppl alot, n i din realise tt till that day!
the black n white memories of those days years ago.
group HUG!! i felt so loved =D

the colours of our lives.

been a busy and tiring week. tutorials seem to have no end, the lectures were like for eternity and i felt so out of breathe when i reach home each day. but i saved alot this week! only spend 10 bucks in school. =D but fri's dinner with mingg n ah was 10 bucks plus too. haha.

this week i watched 2 basketball games. cabbed to both of them. screamt n cheered like mad, my throat always feels like sandpaper n my face feels like its sunburnt after each game. we lost aj but won sa. i think monday match against hc is going to be a real challenge, n i wanna go watch. =)

and tj played vj soccer. i saw eepin hziq rahman all playing. it was a really sad day for me. the proportion of vj supporters to tj supporters was like 3 or 4 times to 1. but out of the tj crowd, i found more den 10 ppl who i know, people who are my frens. but amongest the big big crowd of vj ppl, there were only like 5 ppl i knew. haha. what does this mean man. the optimistic side of me convinces myself tt my vj frens just dnu watch soccer. haahaa.

the smun position paper is a sucky piece of shit. cosi seriously dun see the link between iran n cambodia or vietnam. im like reading the sheet of shit over n over again n understand no shit. i rather someone smack me with a Written Report to do. HAHA i said that. HAAHAA. but i really mean it, i wonder why.

i've been incrediblely stupid this week. lemme share the stupid things i did.

1. felicia played rj on wed, for hockey girls. rj is a strong team. n tt morning she told me tt a large nuomber of the players was sick. so i wanted to msg her gl for the game, b4 gp started. so i asked the class to msg her themselves. but later i changed my mind n shouted " shout out ur names if u wanna wish her good luck.". and a couple of ppl shouted abck " just write its from everyone la".

2. i did napfa thinking tt a gold was 26 out of 30 pts. so i was like counting n recounting over n over again to think of the best combi to get tt 26 pts. even the night b4 tt when couldnt sleep i was doing tt too. in the end i almost wanted to re run my 2.4km la. walau. den turns out tt we only needed 21 for gold! arghh. but i got 25, quite sian. last yr was 27 or 28, much better. i better go exercise more more mroe!

3. rushed like mad to dover to get to np for the swyld helpers meeting. n the east west line mrt opens at the right side of the train for the whole line. so i was standing at the extreme left. den when it was approaching dover i excused myself pass this crowd of yound noisy boys n several smelly man to get to the right door, thinking tt it would open. but i totally forgot tt dover has a diff system n the bloody left doors open instead. so i had to excused my self all the way to the other side. ARGH. someone better remind me next fri when igo there again not to make this stupid mistake.

3 stupid events to mark my week. n last week sat i forgot my calculator n last week tuitioon i forgot my pencil case. sigh. i hope i wun be so stupid tmr.

i had a great chat with a sec sch fren tonight. a very good fren, whom i used to talk alot in the past with. im so sorry n guilty tt he's always taking the initiative to catch up once in a while. i think im quite a lousy fren man. we talked abt alot of stuff. like smoking. cos he smokes n i was asking him to quit. den i rmbed tt there were acty a few times when i myself was tempted to start, those times when i was really depressed n was looking for a place to vent out my frustrations. but im glad i havent overstepped the line. sudenly i realise tt smoking is like going up an escalator. alot of ppl go up on it. n once u're up there , if u regret gg up, u need to really run like MAD to get back down. but its possible. so - i wish all my smoker frens [even though i doubt they'll read this] the courage n will to run down n stay away from the escalator =)

i think im falling sick. my vision has been a bit blurry n i feel like im gonna get a fever soon. n i stupidly watched corner with love since last night, barely leaving my room for anything much. teared so much tt my eyes are kinda swollen now. DAMM.

i gotta hang on, catch up with school work. only 7 more working days b4 i can fly off to cambodia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel very upset.

hati went to interview today for new employers, which means tt she would really be leaving us soon, probably in a months time. on one hand im really hopeful that she will find good employers, bcos she is a good maid after all. but on the other hand, i really dun wan her to leave. cos shes been much more den a maid to me, shes more like my godmmom la. she knows me better den my parents, she scolds me more fiercely than my parents and she smses me everyday! what am i going to do without her man.

n i felt even mre miserable when she started crying like mad jsut now cos her auntie passed away. i felt so helpless n could only hug her n rub her shoulders while she cried n cried.

i really want someone to talk to now, but i dun think anyone would understand. or maybe, perhaps i just need some silence.

being happy is easy. pretending to be, is extremely hard.