of goodbyes and reflections #2

okok heres part 2-the boys. i really think ss cannot make it! this was how we looked a long time ago. happy and mad. think this is one of the nicest photo taken la, very natural. :D

so here they are. according to the photo. anghong jianming junxiang yuhe woonloong tiefu and nikhil. this is taken during my bday surprise from theem. =) this is another group of people whom ive grown rather close to during the 2 yr stay at vj. well at least i had their company when we go for lectures n during the breaks.

heres specially for my best friend! anghong!! =D

this is one really special friend, cos i remember that right from the start i found him really queer. very kanchiong n different. haha. how fate plays their tricks on us ar, to think tt he's like my best guy fren in school now. i guess life has its way la. cos after all the lectures tt ive been thru with him next to me, all those many many many tutorials tt we sat tgt, all the times when we ate tgt with mingg and those tuition times [ok 8 sessions n i pangsehed]. i began to really see how special a person he can be. and actually deep down he's a really great guy.

thanks hong, for always being there to listen to me ramble when im troubled, for enduring my nonsense when i feel shitty, for laughing alongside me and not at me, for always being there to give me the answers i need to my chemical questions [like, whats the angle to a linear compound?], for always being there to company me when everyone elses walks away, for always being free to play pool or watch movies with me. for all of that, thanks dude! jiayou with studying, im sure u will do well la. just chill n relax. but must study also la, n rest more!! i wish you happiness in life!:)

and of cos, i cant miss out my pw mate right! lim yuhe. actually i can talk about yuhe and woonloong tgt. like hello they are permanently together la! seriously. they have like the same watch, and they like to stick to each other n touch each other in class. G is for gay! =p but i noe deep down they are straight la, right. please let me be right.

yuhe was my pw mate so i knew him slightly more. like how he can be really really random, how he eats so much, n he is really super good with racket games, bad/squash/tennis he owns man. wl, on the other hand is more of the attention seeking kind. he loves to sing, so we have spend quite a bit of time listening to him sing, and honestly la, i think he isnt tt bad!

and then theres nikhil jianming and junxiang. these are people whom im nt as clsoe to, but they are still great people to hang out with. but havent really gotten to noethem as well as the rest, guess tt would take time. expecially to get jx n jm off their computer games, guess tt will take a long time. hah.

ok heres what everyones waiting for. especially joontat huh ;)
here's one for tiefu too! haha see we take photos tgt willingly la. no need to try to snap a photo of us with everyone else ducking away =p
tiefu.. he has been a really special friend. last yr we werent so close, so he was always this mysterious person who kept a lot to himself. as in i din noe much abt him la. but his magic tricks super cool. hahaha. but this yr things somehow got better, n i got to know him much better. =)thanks dude, for all the times u kept me going when things werent easy. for those magic tricks tt never fail to amaze me. for those long mugging sessions we have survived thru tgt, and many more to come. for those dinners n badminton sessions. for having that faith n trust in me.
maybe the coming 1 month plus is gonna be tough, but i think it will only make us stronger people. stay strong! theres 5 other people walking by your side. hahahahah. [those who noe what i mean, shuddup!] i wish u days of laughter and sunshine, on top of all the studying which are inevitable. but work hard, someday i wish u will be satisfied with the results u get :)

ok so thats part 2 done. i definitelywish tt i can know this grp of ppl better after the A's, and keep in contact with them. especially when we have all the time in the world. =DD

a handful more other posts to come. it takes time! :)

to my dear frens, cherish the mugging time now. there is still time, keep believing in yourself and dun dun dun dun dun give up. cos i think the world never gives up on any of you, unless u give up on yourself. but of cos, dun forget abt the world while u are busy studying. keep in close touch with yur loved ones and the things u love to do. take breaks n have enough sleep! love u all loads :)

childrens day!

the bad times just makes the good times better.
cos i think each time something bad happens it moulds us to be stronger people:)

and i finally decided on what i wanna do! its so exciting i tell you. i like thought of it till i fell asleep last night n even dreamt of it during my sleep la! hopefully it works! hehe =D

childrens day today. probably a good opportunity for us to reminisce our childhood days, when we were young n innocent n life was just carefree days. hah, those good old days. and of cos, dun forget those childhood dreams! :)

rid of my eye bags and i'll treat u lunch!

sigh. if i got one scoop of icecream from everyone who commented on my eye bags this wweek i'll probably have exploded due to too much fat. haha. arghh... is it really tt bad?! i do sleep enough la. really!!! but even my tutee told me just now, she was like " wah u look very stressed leh. eye bags all come out liao." so.. as my title goes..

this week has been one crazy week, school was actually quite not like school cos we go to school to take attendance and then stay in the lib to study. haha. but reality hit me a few times. a few thoughts were really scary. i came 16 months ago with nothing, and i really pondered on what i will be leaving with? maybe a decent A level cert to get myself to the uni, maybe a handful [ 3? haha!] of friends whom i can count on - like call up at 4am in the morning if i need them to listen to me ]. oh yar, definitely independence. other than that, i really cant think of wad else. which would be really sad. but then again, maybe theres much more that ive gained tt i havent realise, come may take the long term to appear.

but of cos, despite all
the down parts of this week [like theeconsre n thetiringnights n selfstudysessions n theannoyinggplesson n thezibiblues n thesorangeconslecture n themissingwalletepisode n thetimesmykneecapseemstobefailingme n thedaywhichigaveuprunningandwalkedashortdistance n thereallyreallysleepinducingchemlesson],
there were the good things [like thechillingsessionoftruthordare n thekfcmeal n theafternoonicecreamretreat n thenicemotivatingsmses n phonecallsfromfriendswhoivebeentoobusytocatchupwith n theindianrojakandthepattayarice n thecornettos n theshilinoystermeesua].
i can only say
the bad things happen, to make the good ones gooder :)

i think the imprending exams have made some people really scary, to the extent that i dun even dare talk to you sometimes. i feel like im losing you. please come back, dun let the stress take the joy we used to share, dun forget the many more things in life tt we hold dear.. i wish i was brave enough to tell this straightly to you, but somehow knowing you so well has given me the gut feeling tt u wont absorb what i say on the spot, but hopefully this would trigger smth in you :)

ahem..
rivers know this, there is no hurry.
we shall get there someday :)
-winniethepooh quotes.

happy weekends!
its 2 days away from the prelimmms!

letting go takes love

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

- Author Unknown


i always thought loving someone was the hardest thing to do, never did i realise tt it was the letting go that would seem to be like for forever. it took me so very long, to let go of the past, to forgive myself for the things that i did. at the end of it, you still have that special place in my heart i guess, but at least my heart doesnt ache so badly when i think of you now. all these would end when im done with doing what i started out to do, for you. all the best :)

thank you my dearest GCA duo for standing strong by me the past 2 days. for taking all my nonsense, for enduring the times when i was such a bitch, for all the small help u have given n hints tt u have dropped. especially hong, for gg to ecp to try to catch fireworks with me, nt cus u wanted to go but cos u din want me to be alone. :) i really really appreciate it.

and thank you to grouch, tau huey tat, steam king n baboosin for the dessert n chat tonight. i really had a good time unwinding n getting my mind off stuff.


im really not okay now.
but i wont let this destroy me.

ok im so tired i'll just blog using pictures.


heres one taken last sunday, with my all time fave pasar malam kaki. :) and we dugged this coconut using our fingers. SO primitive.


and heres one thing tt mingg wrote on the board. during one day when GAC was studying together. its really funny. haha.

met up with the tj peeps today. simin jo kangsheng and i :)

this photo came at the cost of my phone like dropping on the floor from the height of the table top.
=))
i think this is the nicest photo. heh. =))
but really- sharing those plates of pasta, n the horseback sausage thing, and waffle with like darkchoco, raspberry, hazelnut, crunchynut and DURIAN. haha thanks kangsheng for those appetising flavours. n of cos gossipping abt people we dont even know! :)

rainbows after the rain :)

we'll take things nice and slow.

its like REALLLY wanting to take part in a race,
den u bring a fren along, who isnt that interested.
den on the race day, b4 u even started,
u get disqualified, and your friend emerged champs.

hahaha. i like to laugh at the irony of life.
i keep telling myself i will be okay. but i dont think i can take it actually.

cos its amazing how the little pieces of recollection of times spent together can really make me smile. that mingyee's smile. :)

9august, as the fireworks turn to darkness, i wonder how i'll be feeling.

FIVE WEEKS TO PRELIMS PEOPLE!!!!

to me, trust is something tts really important in a relationship,
and the suckiest thing is when the people yyou trust most turn back on you.





the feeling's so sucky tt even buying loads of pooh stickers din make me feel any better. :(

im thankful for my parents,
who make the effort to put dinner on the table everyday
who offer to wash the dishes for me knowing that im tired
who sacrifice being slightly late for work to let me sleep in a while longer
who will iron my clothings for me when im too busy to do it
who always stand by me, especially during the darkest hours.

its quite crappy now cos im thinking of setting a deadline, cos the feeling isnt right and i dun wanna venture further. acty half of me wants to cos you really bring joy but the other half of me is holding back wondering if im still caught up with the past. would things never be the same as it is now if i disappear for a while?

a fellow guardian angel told me this:

remember you don't have to possess the person you love. its enough that you
have the person in your heart and you make sure the person's happy :)

:)

patience. and have faith :)

there's pasar malam at bedok!!! i wonder if qh will have the time to spare to go eat all the junk food tgt, my old pasar malam kaki. haiz.

sometimes when i heard ppl slamming another person like mad, i feel all my insides turning. cos the extent of bitterness in their words often remind me of the times when i was young. was tt also how much the people around me hated me? was tt also how they condemmed me? it feels so bad, i wish i can protect all the people around me from being hurt by such words. cos i believe no one deserves that feeling.


i guesss at the end of the day, all i can tell myself is
patience. and have faith :)

finally the week's over! some long overdued photos first up! :D

sentosa, with mingyee tiefu and anghong!

my name! so grand n nice right :D

sentosa again! with simin benjamin n glendon!

joanna joined us at a later time. love ya dear..

life went on as normal the past few days, the lectures tutorials runs housework homework busjourneys. n i thought about my own life during these times. its too late to go back now, no turning back or second chances. theres no time for regrets. and as i look back to the past 19months of my life, the choice that i have made, choosing to go after my dreams and letting go of love and certain friendships, and certain benefits. i really cant help wondering how different things would be if i hadnt made those decisions back then. i felt confused, lost and helpless. but now, i have found strength and courage to push on, at least for the next 5 months. tts all the time ive got, to make sure that i havent sacrificed those things i gave up for nothing. no more pondering about the what ifs. i gotta make the next few months count - focus and do my best. for you. even though i know tt, when times are tough u wunt be beside me. n even if i come out of all this with a brilliant victory u probably wont be sharing my joy either. but still, for you.

today has really been a happy happy happy day at school. although i got back my first failed paper. haha i got an S for econs!!! haha. in fact, i never felt so happy there since school started this term i think. pe was really fun, ran n played a good game of badminton. n our class had a nice class break tgt, celebrating junxiangs n jianmings birthday. for once in the longest time tt i can rmb, we were all gathered tgt as a class during a break. :D n the FFs chionged to the lt to do our econs outlines, and we had a rare good chat despite trying to read n understand our notes n copy out the impt pts. but i need to emphasize, i really am not interested in the 2 options tt u ppl were considering/rating for me. sorry :)

after school i pooled with benny pong han weideng nikhil and anghong. it was great fun man, n those guys are quite pros! haha. n after tt we dinnered at the gourmet food center, ate the super nice chicken rice. it was cool, weideng [like our daddy] ordered a big plate of chicken n one plate of mixed charsiew n roast meat. alongside 2 big bowls of REAL soup and erm 8 plates of rice. and the 5 of us wiped everything clean n felt so freaking full after that! haha. like one big family eating seh. i also told them tt there was a bowling alley at the 7th floor, n so we wanted to bowl for a while. took us a hell long time to walk all over the plaace trying to go upstairs, cos all the lifts n staircases are so messy n scaary. i seriously laughed till i couldnt walk a few times! n in the end the alley was demolished la. so we din bowl at all. argh. next time perhaps, not a friday la, since the boys say tt fri they study,
haha. im such a bad ct rep, bad influence =p

okays im so freaking tired i think i will go to bed early tonight.
must be the pe n pool n laughing tt absorbed all my energy away!

of random happenings, musings and people

check out jaychous latests song.
its the first one on the playlist. quite nice =)


oh. its 7thjuly. such a cool day to be wedded.
apparently theres gonna be super alot of couples tying the knot today. cool right. :D
i wanna get married on a nice day too. hah.


the recent t3a thing, has given me the chance to read through the testimonials tt teachers wrote for me, appeal letters that they prepared specially for me. and its been a good wake up call. i guess over the many months of slackish behaviour has kinda worn out the essentials. n they still have that faith in me, even today. its time to start working on what's necessary. because i dont want to disappoint.
bad results are good things. very good motivation.
so far its a C for math and a B for physics. chem is a huge mystery, but considering how tough the paper was, i am not even having any expectations. and econs was the one i died horribly, cos i din study. but im over it already. and i promise never to let myself feel the same way as i felt doing the econs paper, ever again.



recently, theres this issue tt ive been contemplating alot.
to say what one is suppose to say, or to say what's right.
cos i guess, the truth hurts, sometimes.



i think people shoudlnt be nice to each other just cos its their birthdays/a festival like friendship day or v day. just love them with all you have and i think that makes everyday a happy day. to love them, is not to judge them n accept their flaws for thats who they are. to love them, is to show care and concern for them. to love them, is best through the little interactions of our everyday lives. to love them, is to cherish the moments spend tgt. to love them, is to want the best for them. to love them, is not to say hurtful things to each other.

i believe this takes alot of time, effort, energy and patience to try to love the people around us. and i always feel that its to do with the priorities that we have in life. because how we define our priorities will eventually sway our actions. for some of the people whom i've crossed paths with in life, its beginning to be really difficult to love them. my patience is wearing thin and im beginning to feel really tired. i've come to the question of whether to give up on that friendship. and i dont know what to do.



sometimes i think i care too much.
is that love?

im surprised i felt so distant. the happiness tt i thought would come, pangsehed. the silence between the us isnt helping, and im too tired to be the one filling the silence. probably because i can never feel that way for someone ever again, or because im still hanging onto history. maybe he's best being a special friend, that special person in my heart. i wish we met at another time in my life, den perhaps things would work out differently.

something from within

today i finally feel like writing about something ive kept within me for a long time. many a times i have the urge to pen this down but i often feared tt i cant find the right words to use, and im afriad the tone of this whole thing will come out wrong. but im gonna give it a try anyway, its been properly reflected during my time away in cambodia. i think such things are like goals, they should be written down n shared with all, so that it becomes more than something within, but becomes a goal tt the people around me can help me achieve too =)

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a
kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia

i should be nice to all the people around me,
because i know how good it feels when people are nice to me. and i want to let them enjoy that feeling of goodness.

i should not to judge the people around me. i try to tolerate and bear with the shit i get, and befriend the owner of all the crap n try to help them change.
because i know how sucky it feels to be outcasted. because i know how it feels to have people talking bad about you behind your back. because i once felt friendless and alone. i rmb the days in p school when classmates din like me cos i was boastful and trust me, these things are obvious and i hated the feeling i got. and i dun wan someone else to feel that way.
becuase i know tt we human beings arent perfect. come on, even me myself have many flaws. i have a bad record of time, so ive rarely been punctual when meeting up with friends. i talk too much alot of times and probably irritate the shit out of some of my frens. i can be rather self centered, espeically on days when im down n i just wish the world would revolve around me. and its probably going to be a long list to come. but hey! everyones not perfect. i must learn to love the people around me for who they are, love them for their shortcomings and i think i would be able to build better bonds with them.

i should try my best to curb my anger. to refrain from losing my temper. this is why i tend to take things lightly, or as the guys would put it, tt " i will only get angry for 30s".
becasue i know that i am darn good at saying the wrong things when im angry, and doing rash things tt i am bound to regret when i cool down later. this is why i want to practise keeping cool and controlling my temper. i rmb reading from somewhere b4, " never return an angry word with another angry word. it is usually the second word tt causes the trouble."

i should remind myself to be honest, to say the truth.
because its tiring to have to constatnly remember to cover all the loopholes tt will destroy ur lie, and its even more tiring to have to keep telling more lies to cover up for the first one.
because i have lost the trust of close friends before. and trust isnt an invisible thing, once its broken u can feel it right smack in your face tt things are different immediately.

i should try to be there for my friends, especially make time for those who were once close but have sort of drifted away from. try to give them a listening ear when they need one. and make the effort, arrange n organise my time so tt i have the occassion catching up sessions with all of them.
because there were times when i was fallen n failed, been down in the dumps when i din noe who to turn to, when i din noe who would be willing to listen. and that loneliness would only make things worst. so i shld try hard to be there for my friends.


i should try to be more sensitive to the people around me.
becasue we tend to focus so much on ourselves, on having fun, of getting the best out of things tt we neglect how the people aorund us would feel. this is probably one of my weakest pts cos i always get super high easily, so the next time i do something really insensitive just tell me straight in the face thank you.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by
midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can
muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be
the same again. ~Og Mandino

edited : sunday 724 pm


Friendship - what exactly is it, how important is it, how do we measure it. been thinking alot about it the past few days.

priorities.
in fact i think the same word applies for all frenships. n in fact, everything else u do in life.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love
them."
- Mother Teresa

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can
afford to be stupid with them."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson